Volvo's XC60
Few suspect that Dublin’s new 30km/h zone is not being driven by the suits on the top floor of Dublin City Council — but by the ghosts in the basement of their Wood Quay offices.
And that rather than being a clever plan to save the lives of those living in Dublin city, it is in fact a fiendish plot to resurrect the memory of the Vikings who once ruled it.
For proof look no further than the Volvo XC60.
It arrived here twelve months ago sporting jaunty SUV styling and a grunty diesel engine range.
It offered four-wheel drive and (eventually) two-wheel drive versions and sold reasonable well thanks to its build quality and good looks.
Being a Volvo, it was also safe.
But alongside its Side Impact Protection systems, its ABS stoppers and its armoury of airbags was something new called City Safety.
This, Volvo told us, was a world first.
It would not only save lives — it would save us all a fortune in car repairs, they said. It would also be a no-cost standard fit on every XC60.
It’s at that stage we should have copped something wasn’t quite right, but we didn’t.
Instead, we stood back and gasped as the City Safety system stopped an XC60 rear-ending another car in traffic by automatically applying the brakes just in the nick of time — and even before the Volvo’s demo driver had copped that the car in front had stopped.
This was brilliant stuff — and just the thing to end all those stupid rear-end shunts that happen in stop-go city traffic when most of us are too bored to concentrate on our driving.
But here’s the rub: Volvo’s City Safety system only works at speeds up to 30km/h.
And here’s our conspiracy theory: The ghosts of the Viking settlement on which Dublin’s Civic Offices are built have at last made it to the top floor of the building and are now influencing the decision making process. Hence the recent 30km/h ruling.
The suits at Volvo meanwhile — with their clear Viking heritage — have known all along that this would happen.
They also know that soon Dublin City drivers will get so bored with the sedate 30km/h pace they will start falling asleep at the wheel — with obvious consequences.
It’s at this stage that Volvo will casually remind Gaybo and his pals up at the Road Safety Authority that the XC60 is the only car with the inbuilt ability to NOT rear-end other cars at 30km/h.
You can guess the rest. Soon after there’ll be a government subsidy introduced for any Dub buying an XC60 and they will increase the penalty points for rear-enders who aren’t driving one.
Eventually, the quays will be teaming with XC60s — all travelling at an orderly sub-30km/h and forming one giant shiny moving memorial to the Vikings that once ruled us.
Clever, eh?
In view of this I suggest you ignore the genuine comfort and enjoyable driving experience offered by the XC60.
I say forget the fact that the new DRIVe version is surprisingly peppy despite its green credentials and competitive price of €44,276.
And I urge you to support my campaign to have the Civic Offices and its occupants hermetically sealed to prevent the escape of the Viking virus.
This I believe is the only way to stop crazy decisions like 30km/h zones and busgates gaining currency — and to crush what I hear is the Council’s next grand plan: to have pedestrians wear hats with horns on them so they can legally head-butt cyclists who fail to stop for red lights.